


The Things I Want To Say

by nerdyydragon



Series: Kingsman Tumblr Ficlets [63]
Category: Kingsman (2014), Kingsman (2015), Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Healing, F/M, Gen, Harry Hart is Dead, I cried when I wrote this and I cried again editing it, One Sided Conversations, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:09:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyydragon/pseuds/nerdyydragon
Summary: Eggsy's life had been one tragedy after another, colored only briefly with flashed of good things. As a result, he has a lot of pain to work through.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer*

Eggsy brushed the first dusting of snow off of the headstone before him. Winter had come early this year, and though he didn’t mind the season itself (especially now that he didn’t have to worry about whether or not the heating bill would get paid) he didn’t particularly enjoy sitting in the fluffy precipitation and getting his trousers soaked. He spread out a blanket and sat down, gloved hands in the pockets of his wool peacoat, and tried not to think about what was going on outside the gate of the modest cemetery he was currently taking up residence in. Shutting out the outside world was something he had become rather good at, even before joining Kingsman.

“I know that I’m basically talking to empty air, here. Grave’s empty, after all. But I needed - closure, I s'pose. I put this off long enough, and it’s time.” Eggsy took a breath, trying to collect himself. This meeting had been long overdue. There were things he needed to say, simply so that he could accept them himself and move forward.

“I’m doing real well, my life’s shaping up to everything I knew you would have wanted it to be. I can take care of Michelle now, like I promised, like I know you wanted, after - after what happened. Even if it wasn’t really fair to put something like that on a seven year old.” Eggsy paused again, pushing back his thankfulness that he had managed to take care of one of the only people who mattered to him. “She’s doing well too, finally got her away from Dean. Put him in his place, and we won’t be seeing much of him again, if you catch my drift.” Eggsy forced a chuckle at the dark humor that seemed to be drifting around him as of late, and traced a finger over the engraving on the stone.

“Work is - work is good. Got Ryan and Jamal in with me now too, doing different stuff, obviously, but we weren’t really cut from the same cloth in regards to jobs, and tailoring ain’t really what would suit them in the long run. Meet lots of interesting people though, like Roxy. She’s real top, didn’t even give a second glance at where I grew up, just judged me by my skill and how I looked at others. One of my best mates, that girl.

"Daisy loves her too, which is saying something, because that girl don’t take kindly to strangers. Two of them are joined at the hip, when they’re together. Spoiled rotten, she is. Would have downright adored you, I think. Guess we’ll never know.” Wiping the tears that had collected in the corners of his eyes away, Eggsy took a breath and forged on. This was by far the hardest part, getting past idle small talk with someone who couldn’t even respond.

“I catch myself thinking about you, sometimes. Probably not as much as I should be, considering, and I hope you don’t blame me for that. A lot of its clouded in anger - at you, at me, at life in general, as petty as it sounds. How you could have been so selfish about something like that. But I wonder, sometimes, what it would have been like to know you - to have you there for milestones that needed a man like you, to gauge your reactions to things, to have a figure like that in my life. You’re a great man, everyone tells me so. I just wish that we had had more time together.

"Is it wrong, for me to wonder what it’s like where you are? Is it nice? I hope so, you deserve it. I’ve never been much of a believer, so I can’t say for certain whether I’ll see you eventually, but I hope that one day we’ll get to have the time together that was taken from us.” Eggsy swallowed around the tightness in his throat, and combined with the cold air it hurt to do so. “It’s comforting, in a way, to think that you’re watching over me though. That you’re proud. Sometimes that’s all that keeps me going, thinking that somewhere there’s someone who can look at me with pride, because I don’t always feel good about the things I’ve done. Maybe someday you’ll get to tell me, and I can see that smile again. It’s been so, so long since I’ve seen it, it isn’t anything more than a warm memory really.”

Eggsy heard crunching in the snow behind him and he knew is time for honest confession was over, as warm bodies entwined themselves with his - Roxy sat down on one side and his mum on the other, with his little sister crawling into his lap and snuggling under his chin. He kissed the top of her head as tears began to roll down his cheeks, and hugged her tightly to his chest. Roxy leaned her head on his shoulder in silent support and his mother brushed away snow that had collected again on top of the stone.

“You’re father would have been so proud of the man you’ve become, Eggsy. Lee would have been so, so proud.” Michelle was quiet after that, and they sat in muted silence for some time before the chill began to set in, and it was time to go home.

Eggsy thought that perhaps one day he would be completely a peace with his father’s death, as much as he could be, anyway. It might take a while, but he would finally be able to tell his mother that he was okay and mean it. He hoped she knew it wasn’t her fault, and that he didn’t blame her for any of it. But today had taken a lot out of him, even with the little time he had spent in the cemetery. He still had a harder goodbye to say but even less energy to do it - to the man who had started this whole mess, and to the only man he figured he might ever love. Maybe he would take a drive out to that cove Harry had mentioned, tomorrow or possibly early next week, and say goodbye properly.


End file.
